Victimhood in Motherhood
So many people have asked me how I’m adjusting to life with a puppy. “It’s just like having a newborn, right?!”
In many ways, it is very similar. There is some sleep deprivation. Time is no longer my own. Hypervigilance is front and centre, which leaves an underlying (but very much present) sense of persistent anxiety.
But as we are adjusting to our new normal, I’m also noticing how things are different, as well as how I can do things differently.
As in the newborn days, I was feeling pulled in multiple directions. Everyone seems to need something at the same time. Lauren needs a permission slip signed. Noah needs a bath. Junie needs to go out and play. I need to make dinner. Simon needs me to sign the tax forms. All at the same time. It’s enough to make you feel stretched thin on the best of days, but add some sleep deprivation and zero light in a long tunnel ahead, and you’ve got a recipe for overwhelm.
Except this time, I’m not the victim.
I realize now more than ever how I played the victim role in motherhood for a long time in the beginning. When I got overwhelmed, I often crumpled under the weight of the invisible and visible loads. And most of the time, the weight was self-inflicted. I would take on too much and then cry for help when I couldn’t get it all done. I was a victim of my own doing. I see it so clearly now. I chose to have children. No, I didn’t know exactly what that meant before having a child, but regardless, I chose it. It didn’t choose me. I chose to take on additional tasks or challenges, or make things more complicated (probably because of a people-pleasing tendency, but that’s for another time!) They didn’t choose me. The world is not out to get me, despite what my subconscious had me believe.
Now, when I notice myself getting overwhelmed (which is a new development from the newborn days, I must say), I can witness myself in that moment. It’s almost like I can step out of myself and then offer myself what I need. Maybe that’s a reminder that this is temporary. Maybe it’s a permission slip to not get something done. Or maybe it’s some kind and compassionate words. I’m no longer tethered by my own self-inflicted limitations! What a gift! How liberating!
How did I get here?
I actually surprised myself when I shared the above reflection with Simon last night. I’m a very different mom and person than I was when I first started out on this journey. I certainly don’t have it all figured out, but what I do prioritize is learning about myself. Noticing what upsets me or activates me. Noticing what causes my body to tense. And then, in true coach approach, I get really curious about it. I look under all of that to find out what is causing that feeling. Just like this post right now. I’m embarrassed to admit that I played the victim. But why? With care and compassion for my experience, I can understand why that might feel uncomfortable, witness myself in that discomfort and give myself what I need.
I actually started writing this post and then a few hours later, I did exactly what I didn’t want to do: I repeated the old pattern. You see, these patterns are deeply embedded. Once again, I’m getting curious and offering myself heaps of compassion and grace while I work through it. Hugs to all those out there doing the same thing. Every day!
