The Invisible Load
I’ve found myself turning inward lately. Perhaps following my own advice. Perhaps overwhelmed by the loudness around me. Perhaps a combination of both. No matter how I came to it, the same thing keeps coming up: the invisible load I’m carrying. I’ve been feeling ‘off’ since the start of December. Nothing drastic or even noticeable on the outside. Maybe the holidays? Maybe some burnout? I haven’t been able to pinpoint it. Until I did.
The invisible load.
You can’t see it. You can’t smell it. You can’t always hear it or taste it. But you can sure FEEL it. And boy was I feeling it!!
By now, I think we’ve all heard the term ‘the invisible load’. Every job has an invisible load: the tasks that no one sees, but that take up a lot of time or emotional energy. We tend to quantify roles by the visible things we DO, but what about the less visible aspects of a role that drain our emotional energy? In some of the obvious jobs, this is accounted for. Maybe not well, but it’s acknowledged through support and space provided. In motherhood, however, it’s rarely a part of the equation. In fact, it’s usually something considered just part of the job, the burden we must carry. Let’s talk a minute about how you can be having a conversation with your 5 year old about using the toilet, and then in the next breath explaining what death means. (Yes, that actually happened on a car ride last week!) The number of times in a day that the pendulum of emotions swings and we need to do our best to remain grounded, centered and calm (which obviously doesn’t always happen!) takes its toll. The physical strains of motherhood are demanding enough (hello mid-night wakings!), and the emotional strains are another layer that isn’t always a part of the conversation.
At this point, I ask myself: Why? Why is the invisible load of motherhood so demanding?
The emotional strain in motherhood is its own unique beast because it carries with it such shame and guilt. There is a fear that we are the only ones feeling this way and therefore something is wrong with us. Enter our not-so-friendly acquaintances shame and guilt. Added to this, the big part of the invisible load is the space holding of our children’s emotions AND our own at the same time. This is REALLY. DARN. HARD. Just as a worn boat will leak when placed in water, a mother will (re)discover her own wounds in motherhood. A big unspoken part of motherhood is making space for a child’s roller coaster of emotions AS WELL AS the healing of our own wounds that become more visible as we care for our children. And each new stage of motherhood brings a new round of healing - it never ends!
Somewhere I read something that instantly shifted my perspective: Instead of correcting a child’s behaviour that drives me up the wall, I need to ask myself: Why does it drive you up the wall? Finding the answer isn’t always easy or pretty, but seeking these answers is precisely how motherhood can lead to a journey of profound self discovery and ultimately a more fulfilled, purposeful and intentional life.
