Shifting the narrative
At our 30 Days to Level Up meeting the other day, I shared that when the 30 days is up, I want to maintain the number of in-class yoga I’ve been going to because I just feel so much better when I’m able to move. I found that I have had less guilt asking my husband if I can go to class (*more on this concept of ‘permission’ coming!) because of the program. In my mind, it goes something like this: “Well, Ash, you paid for the program, so you should get to the classes because it’s part of the program.” On an ordinary day outside of this program, my thought process goes more like this: “How much time have you been home with the kids on your own? How much time have you been home and not alone? How much quality time have you actually spent with them? If you prep the next meal before you go/make the carpool arrangements/wrap the birthday party present/check on the status of homework, then it should be ok. You get the idea. For some reason, as was the case for a lot of moms in this conversation the other day, mom guilt presents itself as having done all the things in order to take that one hour for herself. Not because anyone asked or expected it. This is not partner-shaming. This is about the expectation we as mothers put on ourselves. This is about giving ourselves permission. But WHY?
The answer is not easy or clear, but here are some of my thoughts.
In the Seasons of MatrescenceⓇ program, we learned about the Cycle of SilenceⓇ whereby mothers essentially perpetuate the perfect mother myth by suffering in silence. We know that women have been silenced for eons, so it’s no surprise that this occurs in motherhood as well. When no one talks about the challenges they’re facing, including the anxiety they feel leaving their kids, they begin to feel like they’re alone in their struggles. This leads to isolation, shame and guilt, and more silence. And the cycle continues. All it takes is one brave voice to share their experience and suddenly a space is opened up where others may see a part of themselves. A hand is extended and someone reaches out to hold on by sharing their experience, too.
It’s critical to continue to normalize the struggles and realities of motherhood so we can disrupt this cycle that leaves so many feeling alone. By normalizing, I mean sharing openly and honestly without judgement, not assuming that these feelings are just something we must endure. By sharing, the hope is that it becomes safe to have struggles, and that the realities of motherhood are difficult at times but that we are not alone.
Back to this idea of ‘permission’ - Asking our partners if we can go to the class is not about actually asking permission. It’s about courtesy and logistics. Someone needs to be physically present with the kids so arrangements need to be made if it can’t be me or my partner. I feel it’s important to consider the language we use around this. By saying “I’m checking in with you about yoga tonight. What are your thoughts on me attending the 6pm class?” - the conversation has a totally different feel to it. Even though my husband and I know it’s not about him granting permission, the shift happens when we carefully consider the language we use.
So, all that said, I’m glad I realized what was holding me back from attending yoga more than I’d like to, and I’m going to consider how I make those arrangements for the kids when I want to take some time for myself if only just to shift the narrative a tiny notch!
