The Summer I Became a Mom to my Mom
I always thought that my motherhood days would be behind me once my own children had become adults. I was wrong, of course, but have continued on this bumpy journey relatively peacefully. Until this summer.
I am blessed enough to be in my early 60’s and still have a parent. My mom has been a wonderful source of support, guidance and wisdom throughout my life and especially as I grew older. We have always been a close family and when my dad passed, mom pulled up the reins and carried on including a move to the city to be closer to her children. When my sister moved out west, I became my mom’s family source of stability. Although she still handled her day to day activities and necessities, I found myself becoming more and more her ‘executive assistant’.
About 2 years ago, I began to notice small yet subtle signs of memory loss. She became more dependent upon my being available to come and see her. She missed appointments, she began to get worried far too often over small things. As the list grew, I knew where we were headed but thought I would have a longer period of adjustment.
That all changed in June 2023. After a series of falls, my mom became completely delusional. A complete decline into vascular dementia that one would characterize as “rapid”. She clung to me during my visits like a child. Asking for reassurance and crying spells led to many “mom” moments of giving her hugs and stroking her back telling her it was going to be ok (I had no idea, I was just winging it). My mom was gone. The roles had been reversed. I was mothering my mother.
After about a month into this new reality and role change, sheer exhaustion hit and then anger. How dare my mother abandon me. I wanted it back to the way it was. I wanted to have my mom back. As time went on and her disease progressed, I slowly became aware that I could no longer be in that role of her caregiver/ mother. I was not qualified. Luckily, we were in a position to be able to give her the support she needs. She is safe and as a true mother would understand, knowing your loved ones are safe and cared for is all that truly matters.
I desperately miss my mom. She is still here but really in body only. I miss talking to her. I miss our chats. I miss our giggles. When I visit now, she is calmer (thank you drugs!) but I do find myself slipping into my mom mode as I coax her into conversations and activities. My new role, however, has now come with a sad acceptance that my once vibrant mom is fading away.
Strength comes in many forms for the stages of motherhood. This stage, however, is one that I believe is not discussed enough. We are blasted with all types of advice for the newborn mom, the preschool mom, the mom of teenagers. But then there comes a time when, if you are lucky enough, that your role of mom becomes deeper and as you parent through the natural passages of time, it seems that advice is far and few between. My hope during this journey is that my own children can view this stage as a natural process. A process of being a mother - in all its forms and in all its stages. A process of love.
Written by: Kate Boynton
