Internal Struggles
This morning, I felt called to share a story. This story is about the last three months where I have been weaning off my antidepressant, a medication I have been taking for approximately fifteen years. This is a medication that has steadied my mind and allowed me to weather many challenges that would have otherwise sent me over the edge. I am grateful for modern medicine that has kept me afloat in order to learn how to navigate and harness the potential of my mind. I have tried to wean myself several times without success, but I recognize now that my motivation was never aligned with my capacity or tools. It was always my ego telling me that I didn’t need it anymore, or that I just wanted to feel something more. This time, my motivation was more clear: Motherhood has gifted me an awareness of my expansive potential, made me realize I am capable of more than I realize. I have spent the last 15 years in on and off again therapy in addition to a journey of self awareness that has included group coaching, research, meditation and yoga. I am ready to put the skills I’ve learned to the next test. Can they support me as I essentially release the plug on my emotions?
The short answer: Yes. The long answer: Keep reading!
Firstly, I want to say that the call of my intuition (during a yoga class, obviously!) to share this story in a blog post prompted me to realize that the last semi-regular blog post I shared took place right as I started the weaning process. Since then, I have not felt as deep a calling to write or share anything, which, if you follow, you know I only post when the words come to me. There have been times over the last few months where I’ve had a thought and sat down to write, only to find the cursor pause and blink at me after only a few words or sentences. Looking back now, I can see how my mind was in a storm with clouds in all directions and waves crashing all around. It wasn’t the kind of storm that came out of nowhere; it was more like the kind that gradually settles in and envelopes your surroundings before you have the chance to realize it’s there. My mind was deep in that storm for several months, unable to see clearly, unable to process the massive waves of emotions crashing around in my mind. Now, after three months, the storm clouds are starting to part and the waves are calming. And surprise surprise, the words have re-emerged!
My intention behind weaning off this medication was essentially to put my skills to the test: I now know how to manage my mind (ie. I’m pretty good at recognizing when I’m triggered, acknowledging the why and taking steps toward getting myself back online). Even still, these skills have been tested to their limits the last few months. There have been many moments of overwhelm where I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of emotions that is showing no signs of forgiveness. The most prominent emotion has been anger. I have unleashed at my kids and my husband in ways that I’m embarrassed to admit. These moments have led to feelings of deep shame, which I’ve also had to hold myself through. But again, the parting of the clouds is now allowing me to see that that anger was the emotion I needed to have a big release. Removing the medication has allowed me to release it. When something bothers me now, I feel it intensely and actually acknowledge it rather than dismissing it as some low key aggravator lurking in my depths. I still have some work to do in terms of managing my emotions, but I can see how the many releases of the last few months have actually served me. I feel lighter and more connected to myself.
When I started being coached, I would get asked regularly: “Where do you feel that in your body?” I could never answer this question with any sort of certainty. I didn’t really feel anything in my body. Now, that’s very different; I have more bodily awareness.
Why am I sharing all of this? I am certain that there’s someone out there that can relate to some aspect of this experience. I am hopeful that by sharing this journey with you, it might make you feel less alone. Our emotions and thoughts can be scary. Here are some of my key takeaways from my experience so far:
Emotions are temporary.
Emotions are part of the body’s messaging system. Listen to them and give them the space they need to be expressed.
Learning to manage my own emotions at the same time as my children’s is the hardest thing and invaluable. I don’t know the exact return on my investment yet, but I trust it’s worthwhile.
