Overwhelm

Overwhelm. It happens more than I’d like to admit. The overstimulation of noises. The constant barrage of questions and requests. The feeling of being pulled in multiple directions at once - like needing to make a healthy dinner, prep tomorrow’s lunches, be on top of homework completion while also engaging and connecting with each child. Not to mention my own personal needs - feeling hungry, exhausted after a long day of work, battling feelings of anger toward a child not doing what they’re asked or guilt at saying no to “Mommy, can you play with me?” 

It’s A LOT! 

The demands of modern motherhood are near impossible. They are built on a patriarchal system that values productivity over connection, a system that measures worth by how much can be accomplished in a given period of time and the return on that investment of time. 

I, myself, am a victim of this value system. I have been conditioned to believe that my worth is attached to what I can produce. I remember the first few weeks and even months of motherhood when my husband would return from work and ask me how my day was. I hadn’t had a moment’s rest, and yet what did I do?! I felt I had nothing to show for myself. There wasn’t even any laundry folded or dinner prepared. My days felt totally unproductive, which completely messed with my psyche! Who was I if I wasn’t checking things off my to-do list? Or making any money? To be anything other than productive requires developing an awareness of this widespread impact of this system and a rewiring. Easier said than done! (More on that another time. If you’re curious to learn more about patriarchal motherhood, I encourage you to check out Dr. Sophie Brock’s work. She is a leader on the sociology of motherhood.)

Nowadays, the to-do list is longer than anyone can physically manage. At my most recent peak of overwhelm, an email popped into my inbox as if by some intuitive miracle. It was from Kate Northrup, a badass mama entrepreneur and author of “Do Less” (a book about energy and time management for high achieving women). In her email titled “Worst way to beat overwhelm”, she immediately said the most common trap we fall into is “try[ing] to get as much done as possible in as short a time as possible.” Instantly, I knew she was speaking directly to me. She had obviously been watching me in my kitchen the night before as I was completely spinning my wheels and drowning in my own dichotomy of opposing emotions! Her answer to this surprised me: It wasn’t that I should alter my expectations (you try telling a high achiever to do less!!!). It was that my overwhelm had nothing to do with having too much to do (At this point, my high achiever self thought “Ok, I’m listening…cuz you’re right. I can do this…and this…and this…”). 

My overwhelm was actually just a sign that my nervous system is dysregulated. 

Huh. 

So you’re telling me that the more I do, the more dysregulated I’m going to become? In essence, I’m literally spinning myself in circles! 

The interesting thing about this perspective shift for me is that I feel empowered to do something about it. And the answer is not to do MORE (and then be angry and resentful toward the people that ask for something for me.) 

The answer is to pay attention to my needs. Turn inward. Address the core need or value that is being compromised and causing my dysregulation. Put myself first. That starts simply by noticing. That’s it! Creating awareness around what’s happening in me. 

The other day, my daughter started bombarding me with questions when I came through the door. She wanted to tell me this and that, ask me for this and that. I could feel my body tensing. I could sense myself being pulled in multiple directions. The overwhelm instantly started building. I took a beat to notice this. And I pointed it out as I was doing it. “You know, Lolo, I can see you are really excited to share all these things with me. And I really want to listen. But I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. Can we take a pause so I can recentre and we can pick this up again when I feel like I can give you more of my attention?” She skipped away happily. I was stunned by the maturity of our interaction! Did that really just happen? 

Yes, it did. And it may not happen as beautifully as that the next time I’m overwhelmed, but I can certainly keep practising! Overwhelm - Take time to save time.