Expectations vs. Reality
A friend recently reached out to me about a personal experience of hers in motherhood. After a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy and overcoming some unexpected surprises during birth, as well as making it through the initial infant sleep deprivation stage, she thought she was in a good place. Until suddenly she wasn’t. She went from being healthy one day to having four fractured vertebrae. While the pain must have been excruciating and extremely uncomfortable, I’m sharing this with you to highlight the aspects of motherhood in this story that too often don’t get the recognition they deserve.
The early postpartum experience is an extremely fragile time, one where the emotions run high and the energy runs low. To navigate a rare health condition, either that of the mother or child, adds layers of complication and uncertainty that will rock even the steadiest of boats in the bay. This is made even more complicated and frustrating by a healthcare system that doesn’t encourage women to trust their instincts. This friend felt something was wrong for weeks but it wasn’t until she insisted on an x-ray that anyone believed the pain she was experiencing. This highlights a massive hole in the motherhood support scheme. How does a mother trust her own maternal instincts if no one believes her when she says she is in pain? At a time in her life when the system should be holding HER, she is having to dig down even deeper in order to advocate for herself and challenge the system. Even in the best of times, this is hard.
This experience is also just one of the many examples of how our expectations don’t always match reality. How often do we think we know how things will play out, only to have them unfold in a completely different way? If our morning commute gets affected by an unexpected traffic jam, we may get frustrated, arrive late but then the day carries on. However, when our expectations of such a monumental time in our lives, such as the early postpartum period, play out in a completely unforeseen way, a lot of emotions surface. Anger. Resentment. Frustration. These emotions are all a part of grief. In the matrescence framework, there is dedicated space for grief: grieving what is or what isn’t a part of the real life experience. It is a normal and expected part of the journey. Grieving the loss of the imagined experience validates what a mother wanted or anticipated would happen. It allows the mother to acknowledge that her expectations were not met. It also allows her to connect with her current experience, rather than push it away in the form of denial or downplay. The same could be said for the mother who had to have a C-section instead of a natural birth, or whose child is diagnosed with a disability. Grief is, sadly, part of the bigger picture in motherhood, but not widely acknowledged as such. There is extreme pressure to enjoy all aspects so many mothers, myself included, tend to sweep the less desirable emotions under the rug. The reality is, however, that there are many different times and ways throughout the journey of motherhood when expectation doesn’t meet reality, and so grief emerges. Conception. Pregnancy. Birth. Loss. Return to work. Starting school. Subsequent children. Moving. No matter the life event, transition or season of motherhood, we often set conscious and subconscious expectations, and when those experiences don’t match the reality of the situation, it can stop us in our tracks. It can drag us down or leave us caught up in the whirlwind of emotions. Making space to honour the grief and accompanying emotions is essential for supporting mothers.
**If anything in this post resonates and you are looking for more support, please speak up. I know I talk about the broken support system, and although it’s not perfect, some support does exist.
