Duality of Motherhood

I’m currently in a beautiful setting - surrounded by nature, a lake, trees and wildlife. It has such a calming effect. Yet I can’t help but notice my kids disconnecting me from that peace that is pulling me to surrender. I wake up to the sound of waves, sunlight pouring through the windows. And before I have the chance to fully embrace what could be a beautiful moment, the pitter patter of little feet comes through the door with a big, dimply smile and cheery “Good morning, Mommy!” As sweet as it is, that greeting is followed by 1001 questions that instantly pull me away from the peace and serenity of the moment when I opened my eyelids. A few years ago, maybe even a few months ago, this would have really activated me and set my day on the wrong trajectory. Why can’t you stay in bed until I’m ready to start the day? Why can we lie in bed quietly as we wake up, without 1001 questions? Why can’t I have my space?

This morning, I noticed those thoughts creeping in. I felt myself growing increasingly frustrated. Studying matrescence has helped me understand the duality of emotions we, as mothers, constantly juggle - wanting to be present with our children AND wanting space, wanting to enjoy the little spontaneous moments with our children AND wanting to complete the task at hand, wanting to spend time with our children AND wanting time alone. It’s a constant juggle and has lead me to feelings of exhaustion, anger, frustration, rage and even resentment at times. This morning, however, as I felt the tugging at both ends, I took notice of the feelings as they arose and acknowledged how they were affecting me. Instead of getting angry and frustrated with my child, I stayed connected to myself, my feelings and what I needed. It’s not a perfect recipe for peace, but I have found that the practice of remaining connected to myself (through journaling, meditation and breathing exercises) allows me to replace the spiral of negative emotions with self awareness and self compassion. I am learning to ride the waves of emotions with far greater understanding and ease. Motherhood has taught me this.